Thanksgiving

This evening we are heading to a Thanksgiving dinner party with some friends. Maybe it’s because we all like an excuse to get together or maybe it’s due to the great chefs among us, but we’ve been doing something around this time for the last few years and it is just lovely. Tonight, a group of us will join together to spend an Autumnal evening in each other’s company, enjoying good food, warming our hands and bellies with hot spiced apple (at least I hope there's some - serious cravings happening right now!) and giving thanks for the year we have just lived through. It has become a little tradition that I’ve grown rather fond of, however I can’t help but think how difficult it will be this year to come up with things that I am thankful for; that I am going to be able to take away from 2019 with gratitude.

Last year, we were busy getting to know our daughter and awaiting Posy’s arrival with excitement. We were thankful for the healthy pregnancy I was experiencing, for the fact that we were going to be having a little girl and for the festive season ahead. I was content, nervous (the good kind), excited to give birth and delighted that we were rapidly approaching her due date. It was easy to find things to be thankful for. It was easy to gather with friends and celebrate each other's reasons for gratitude. It was just, easy. This year - not so much.

I do remember squeezing into our friend’s front room however, and amidst the joy and celebration, there was one person who was experiencing raw grief, disappointment and heartbreak. A couple weeks prior, a beautiful, brave and wonderful little girl - our friend’s niece - had to leave her incredible parents to go to her forever home. At the time I had only met this baby girl’s parents once but the news of her death shocked me to my core. Even from afar I could see that her life was full of so much joy and hope and faith and I was overwhelmed with sadness for them. But, not for one second did it even cross my mind that our own little girl, the bundle of joy that we hadn’t had the privilege to meet yet, would have to join her.

I remember feeling excited for the following year and being able to see how much had changed. I imagined bringing our lovely girl to thanksgiving. I pictured us getting excited for Posy’s first Christmas, juggling a ten month old while trying to eat our dinner, taking shifts on feeds and nappy changes, cheerfully passing her around to our friends for cuddles. I dreamed of being full of thankfulness for surviving our first year of parenthood. I never once thought that we would be the ones experiencing grief this year. I never expected to be turning up to Thanksgiving without Posy and instead burdened with a heavy sadness and longing for our girl. And I definitely didn’t expect to be pregnant again!

So, as I get ready to go out, I thought it would be helpful for me to list some of the things that I am thankful for from the past year; to find things to be thankful for in the wake of the darkest months of our lives. It might make it easier for me to identify my reasons for gratitude later, but I also think it will help me as we come to the end of the year. It has been said a few times recently that I must be ‘relieved’ or ‘glad’ to be nearing the end of 2019 and be able to enter a new year, to be turning onto a blank page. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how I feel about it. 2019 was the year I met Posy, the year I gave birth for the first time and became a Mum; it was also the year that we had to say goodbye to her and endure the most brutal challenges that any parent will have to face. So yes, it has been a year of many ups and downs, the toughest year yet but 2019 will always be the year of Posy.

Obviously the first thing that I am thankful for is Posy. I am so incredibly grateful that my pregnancy was a healthy one, that my body grew and took great care of her and that it birthed a gorgeous little girl. I am thankful that we got to meet our Sweet P and that we were fortunate enough to spend two amazing weeks with her; that we have photos and videos and memories to keep with us; that she made us parents; that she was strong and brave and beautiful. I am thankful that we named her Posy, as there is no other name so perfect for her. I am grateful that she changed our lives for the better and she will always be our firstborn.

I am thankful for our baby number two; our little Roo. I am unbelievably grateful to be expecting another girl. It feels right for our little family, for us to parent another daughter and for Posy to be Big Sister to Little Sister. She is an answer to prayer, a promise, and I can’t wait to meet her. I am grateful to be experiencing another healthy pregnancy, to be feeling Roo move and kick and roll around, to be a Mama again. I am thankful for all the similarities between our two girls already, but especially for all of the differences - the differences that shine a light on this baby’s character and personality.

I have never been more thankful for my Michael. He's my husband, he's my best pal, he's my person, he's my lobster. I'm thankful for his kindness, his gentleness, his big heart and his hilarity. I am thankful that even on our darkest days he still manages to make me laugh. His bravery and his strength have carried us through the toughest months of our lives and without him, well... I'd just be a mess. He is the best daddy to our two girls and I am so grateful that I get to parent alongside him.

I am thankful for our friends, particularly those who banded together and swept in to break our fall. Who have been there when we needed them most - nearby or from afar. I am eternally grateful for the support network that they have provided, that has surrounded us since February and kept us afloat. For the chocolate, the cuddles, the chats and the comfort they have so generously given to us and our little family.

I am thankful for our family; for their proximity and their willingness to jump in to do the things that we couldn’t/can’t. For their bravery, their empathy, their generosity. I can’t begin to imagine the strength it takes to shoulder our grief alongside their own, but am so grateful that, against all understanding, they regularly manage to.

I am thankful for the decisions that we made while on autopilot after Posy’s death. I am so grateful for the woodland and the flowers that we are able to take to her. I am thankful that it is such a beautiful place all year round and that it is a place where we will be able to take her siblings, a place to go to spend time with her and a place to remember her beauty.

I am thankful for those who, while facing their own challenges, have shared a part of our journey through grief. I have since connected with the amazing mumma I mentioned above, albeit over tragic circumstances having found ourselves a part of the bereaved mother’s club in our mid twenties, and I am thankful for her wisdom, her unique understanding and support. Along with all the other people who have reached out and the friendships that have been rekindled.

I am thankful that I believe in a good God. That He is faithful, that He makes and delivers promises and that He has our sweet girl in his care.

I am thankful that this year isn't a full stop in the story of our family.

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Becca x