'I'm Sure It Will Be Fine'

Roo’s due date is on the horizon and after deciding to finish work a little earlier than planned, I’ve just begun my final week of work before I go off on maternity leave. This pregnancy has felt like it’s been going on for an unprecedented amount of time and I have to say... I am ready for it to end! I’m sure it’s down to the fact that I only had a 5 month gap between pregnancies, but it feels like I have been pregnant forever! I don’t actually remember how it feels to not have a bump - I’ve had one for the best part of two years - or what it feels like not to be sharing my body with a tiny human. I’ve reached a point, if I’m being completely honest, where I would quite like my body back; I would really like to feel like me again. Of course I will miss growing a baby and I will miss the closeness and her relentless rolling around - I will undoubtedly feel phantom baby kicks in the months following her birth - but right now I am tired, running on an almost empty tank, and I am so so ready to have my arms filled again. I am ready to hold, to mother and to bond with my second beautiful daughter; she cannot come soon enough.

I can say however, that this pregnancy has been relatively easy. I have had very little to complain about; the main complaint being that my clumsiness and forgetfulness have become outrageous! It's a whole new experience of baby brain. Michael is crossing all his fingers and toes in hope that this is a symptom of pregnancy and that, once Roo is here, he can stop watching me like a hawk, drenched in nervous sweat every time he hears ‘oops’ or ‘uh oh’, for fear of what his blundering, butterfingered wife is capable of doing next.

Nevertheless, pregnancy has treated me very kindly. I haven’t suffered with much nausea or any of the other common gripes. There has been a little fatigue, but nothing I can’t handle, evening heartburn that has me popping antacids like candy and the aches and pains are only just beginning to surface as I enter the final weeks of the third trimester. We haven’t had any major concerns for Roo either; she is a constant wriggler, so she hasn’t left me much time to panic over her movement or lack thereof. Overall, aside from my incessant impatience, it has been rather pleasant and I am incredibly grateful for my two delightful pregnancy journeys. But regardless, I am desperate to reach the end of this one now and am tentatively hoping that this last stretch will fly by.

I am itching to meet baby number two, and, although I wouldn’t say I am feeling excited to give birth as I was with Posy, I am eager to get through it and onto the other side again. I’m spending my evenings trying to recap all the hypnobirthing techniques I used last time, optimistic that they will come flooding back and that it will feel like I’m a natural. I’ve done it once already so it can’t be as bad the second time, right? (she says, full of confidence and affirmation). However, I can’t help but think that, for us, pregnancy and giving birth again are the easy bits. We had absolutely no worries for Posy during these times last year - there was zero risk factor attached - and so I am hopeful that I can still achieve a positive birthing experience with Little Sister. I am painfully aware that, despite all efforts, it will in fact be the days and weeks following her birth that will be a minefield of anxiety, worry, fear and all the other emotions you can name. We will be very much in need of our support network, albeit maybe with a cotton wool buffer and some distance for the first few weeks.

We have spent some time with our maternity bereavement counselor devising and establishing some habits that we can set in stone prior to Roo’s arrival, that may in turn provide us with some peace of mind in those first few weeks. Routines that I think every parent with a newborn wishes they could be blunt enough to instigate for extra protection, but often don’t in confidence that they will be 'just fine', or for fear of offense or coming across as overprotective. Most of the time we are confidently covered by the phrase ‘I’m sure it will be fine’ and are able to back it up with statistics and personal experience of the worst case scenarios never playing out. However, in our case I don’t think that implementing some extra precautions will do us any harm. Yes, the statistics are always there, and ninety nine times out of a hundred the dreaded case will never materialise, but last year we were that one in a hundred - in fact that one in a number much higher than a hundred - and I have lost the ability to find reassurance and security in the statistics of safety. So much so that I’ve had to stop following the news recently because all the headlines around the Coronavirus were causing so much panic and angst that I couldn’t sleep. So, we will unashamedly be the parents who insist on the washing of hands or use of antibacterial gel before cuddles with Roo, who are firm on no kissing or close facial contact and who attempt to ensure that no illness (as mild as the symptoms may be) enters our house - among other little things - just to regain a sense of control and self-preservation and that all important peace of mind.

I’m more than aware that this might sound extreme - we never wanted to be in this position - but when the worst has already happened, under normal, safe circumstances and when statistics say that it never should have happened, we can no longer shelter under the phrase ‘I’m sure it will be fine’ and use it as our safety blanket, finding the assurance or comfort that others may find in it. We have simply given ourselves permission to be unapologetically protective during the first eight weeks of Roo’s life - the time when she is most vulnerable, up until she gets her first round of vaccines. Posy never made it to her jabs, which would have included the preventative vaccine against her case of meningitis, and so this time frame makes us feel much more comfortable with the limited protection Little Sister will have as a newborn. After that, we will face our demons and do our very best to build our confidence back up. We are working hard to trust again, to feel bold and assured, but it is still a huge hurdle for Michael and I to overcome.

I believe that this baby is a promise from God and that she will be protected, but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t allowed to be proactive in ensuring her safety. I believe that Roo was always going to be Posy’s little sister, even if all the events of the last year hadn’t happened, but also that she is a promise of restorative faith. We never saw it coming last year, and to say that our faith has been rocked is an understatement. But, I know that God has given us our little rainbow to hold onto in the face of our forever grief for her big sister and that she is already so incredibly loved. Although we hate referring to Posy as the ‘rain’ or the ‘storm’ that precedes the rainbow - you know the saying… after the storm comes the rainbow - because Posy is and will always be all things beautiful and good, we love that Little Sister is the bringer of hope and colour into our shaken, darkened world and we cannot wait to start the next chapter of our admittedly challenging journey with her.

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Becca

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