'No One Expected This to Happen'

These words have been echoed over and over again in the last six weeks and have been rattling around in my thoughts, my worries and my nightmares. The truth is, no one expected this to happen to Posy. Not the doctors, not our friends and family and definitely not us.

I think that is what is making it so difficult to make any sense of what has happened. She was born a healthy, happy baby, with no complications and no concerns and I guess I had been lulled into a feeling of comfort - she was going to 'be okay'. I had spent the whole of my pregnancy with Posy's health in the forefront of my mind, worrying about her every day and night, hoping that she was nice and snug as she was developing into our little girl and trusting that my body was doing its part in keeping her safe. I had this nasty niggle that something was wrong, yet every single test came back with no cause for concern. I didn't know whether my unease was due to the famed and illustrious mother's intuition, or whether it was because I had recent friend connections with people whose babies had been victims of the worst case scenario. Either way, I had anxieties that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

When I went into labour at 38 weeks, I was overwhelmed with relief; thankful that my body had grown a perfect little human; relieved that its responsibility for protecting her was nearly at an end and so utterly grateful that I was going to get to meet her sooner than I had thought. I didn't even care that I hadn't had much rest, having only started my maternity leave two days before. I was just so excited that I was finally going to be able to hold her in my arms and that I would get to witness my husband become her Daddy.

From the moment my waters broke, all my uncertainties disappeared and all anxieties were forgotten. I felt strong and capable and I knew that I was going to be able to birth my baby with no real issues. It struck me that I was going to meet my daughter very soon - and fourteen hours later, I did. She was perfect. As I said before, she was a healthy, happy baby and there was absolutely nothing wrong with her. Immediately, I put all my worries down to pregnancy hormones and, for the two weeks we had her, I was in a blissful bubble of peace and contentment. I was convinced that we were all going to be just fine.

No one expected this to happen.

The first time we heard this was when we were at the hospital. At this point we had been there for about six hours and were waiting outside the room where they were trying to put a breathing tube in our little girl. They had been struggling for some time because Posy was so small, but the consultant came out to let us know that they had been successful and we would be on our way to Great Ormond Street very soon. Michael and I broke down with relief, but had barely had a chance to digest the information before the consultant returned to inform us that Posy's heart had stopped beating.

Those words were said and I felt my world collapse around my ears. No one expected this to happen. Everyone had been fully prepared to finish the procedure and send us on our way to get Posy the help that she needed to recover from the infection. But this was not what was happening. Instead, we had to witness the doctors perform CPR on our baby girl before we had to choose to let her go and say goodbye to our Sweet P.

No one expected this to happen.

The next time this was said to us was when we had a phone call with the paediatrics consultant. He phoned us to let us know what it was that had led to Posy's death. We were informed that a germ called Neisseria Meningitidis had managed to get into her blood stream and that it had caused Meningococcal Septicaemia. He told us what it was and that she had ultimately died from blood poisoning, but he couldn't tell us where she had come into contact with the germ and how it had entered her bloodstream. He told us that the germ could have come from anywhere she had been, anyone that she had encountered in those two weeks and that up to 10% of the population are carriers. It could have come from walking down the street, the surgery waiting room or even the post-natal ward. He explained how rare it is for it to pass into the bloodstream, particularly in a newborn, and he told us that it wasn't our fault, that there was nothing more that we could have done for her. He expressed how much Posy and her case had affected the 30+ doctors that had treated and worked on her that night and that at no point had anyone expected this to be the outcome.

As I expect any parent would, I initially I blamed myself for what happened to Posy - my sole responsibility as her Mummy was to protect her and keep her safe - so finally having the answers and knowing that there really wasn't anything that we could have done did lighten that burden, ever so slightly. Nonetheless, those words rang around my head for days and I hated how unfair it all was - I still do. We now know the cause of her death but there's still no reason for it and I know I now have to make peace with never finding out the whys, wheres and hows. I replay the sequence of events from that Friday in my head nearly everyday; some days I question all the little things yet on other days I am able to allow the doctor's words to stick and loosen the grip of my guilt. The one thing I'm still struggling to come to terms with though, is the fact that as soon as she came into contact with the germ, it was near on impossible to save her.

No one expected this to happen.

On Wednesday 13th March we had Posy's memorial service. We went to a woodland memorial park and, along with our closest family and friends, remembered our beautiful Posy. We tucked her in to sleep her forever sleep and said 'see you again, sweet girl'. Our good friend and pastor gave a small talk and again, those words rang around the room. This time though, I was able to start finding comfort in this concept. There isn't, nor would there ever be, an explanation and even if there was it wouldn't be one I'd be able to accept. No one can provide a reason for why Posy had to leave us, why I am no longer able to cuddle and protect my baby and neither could I have prepared for this to happen. I couldn't have seen it coming. This is something that I know I now have to start taking with me as I begin to carry on - I'm saying carry on because the idea of leaving my daughter behind will never feel right, so I will be carrying her with me as I carry on with life. And as I do, I'm going to do my very best not to allow a hunt for answers creep alongside us. I'm not going to get anymore answers, at least the ones that I'd be looking for, so I am going to cling onto the ones I do have and try to let go of those I'll never find.

I hate the phrase 'it was just one of those things', but this really was. It was a fluke; it was unfair; it was senseless; it was too soon; it was unexpected.

---

Becca

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N.B. There is a vaccine against this specific strand of germ and its effects that is offered to newborns at eight weeks, so a small plea to any parents reading this - please go and get the immunisation.