My Unforeseen Mother's Day

As Mother's Day is fast approaching I am being forced to ponder my journey of motherhood much more than maybe I'd like to at the moment. I am having to think about what being a mother means to me now that Posy is no longer here and what I'm going to do with the motherhood I have been handed. I can't say that I feel much like a mum right now; I don't have my baby next to me. I'm sure this is mainly due to my pain being so fresh and because I'm still processing my loss, but the thought is real nonetheless - I don't currently have a child to take care of so do I have the right to call myself a mother? And I am in no doubt that there are others out there who are battling the same thoughts and to whom Mother's Day brings a lot of heartache.

It is taking a real conscious effort to remind myself that I spent nine months growing a tiny human, fourteen hours pushing her out and two weeks taking care of her, so of course I am a mum. I am and will always be Posy's mama. I spent every moment of her life loving her and for that short time she was the axis of my world. Every second of every day was focused on my daughter and I feel so honoured that I got even a taste of what it was like for my Mum when I was born. It was a feeling unlike any other; I just wish that I got more time. More time to savour every moment of Posy and more time to love her and see her grow.

This is not the motherhood that I was expecting. I mean, I'm not really sure what I was anticipating but it definitely wasn't this and I certainly hadn't planned for maternity leave without my baby. I thought it was going to be busy and tiring and stressful and wonderful, all at the same time. I thought I was going to get to take Posy on walks around the lake and in the forest; out to coffee shops and my favourite parks; out with my friends and round to her grandparents. I was thought she would join me and her Daddy on our little Lyons family adventures and that we'd be able to watch our little girl learn everything a parent wishes to teach their child. Knowing that I'm not going to be able to enjoy any of these things with her, let alone any of the bigger things, breaks my heart.

I am having to rewire myself in an attempt to keep the feeling of being a mum. Posy is real and, as much as she feels like a dream right now, I cannot simply go back in time to when I wasn't her mum. However, I am also unable to do the 'mum thing' right now, so I am left with quite the dilemma. How do I navigate motherhood without my child? How can I still be a mum to Posy as I move on without her? These are questions which I don't yet have answers for and I doubt I will find my answers anytime soon. At the moment, I wake up and remind myself that I am Posy's mama and pick a memory of her to experience, to relive. I check on our posies and flowers to see if they need water and decide whether or not to visit Posy in the woodland to give her some fresh flowers to sleep by. I tell her story to anyone who will listen and do my best to keep her memory alive. And, most importantly I feel, I love and take care of her Daddy. It doesn't sound like much, I know, but while I'm juggling the shock of my loss, my grief and life as it carries on, it is just enough for me to feel like I'm still her mama; like I am doing my job as her mama.

So as painful as it might be, I have decided that this Mother's Day isn't one that I want to skip. Despite my initial urge to hide away and ignore the whole idea of Mothering Sunday this year (of course we'll show our gratitude for our own Mums at another time), I don't want to miss the opportunity to soak up the fact that I am a mother for the first time. Of course I wish my baby was with me and I got to be her mama in the way I expected to be, but I am still her mum. And although for us it won't be a 'celebration', I am still choosing to celebrate my daughter. I won't be doing much but I will spend the day loving and remembering my Sweet P and having some quality time with my amazing husband. Yes, I will be immensely sad and will undoubtedly feel the sting of the Posy's absence and the inability to give her a cuddle, but if I ignore this Mother's Day I think I will regret it, especially if I'm ever to have another reason to celebrate it in the future. So, on Sunday I will be acknowledging the year I became a mother for the first time, remembering that I am still a mama to Posy, and honouring the memory of my beautiful baby girl.