Hello Autumn, My Old Friend

I’ve found myself in a sort of blip lately. I have been writing a few bits here and there but without publishing them and I’m not sure whether it’s because I haven’t felt like I had anything new or of value to offer, or if there’s been an element of fear and embarrassment of vulnerability blocking me. But anyway - I thought I would give it a whirl this afternoon. I’ve just put a load of washing on, I’ve got some time before I need to start cooking dinner and for the first time in a while I have a fair bit to type.

'Autumn carries more gold in it's pocket than all the other seasons.'

The summer has been and gone since I last posted anything on here and to be honest, not much has happened in that time. We didn’t go on holiday or get up to anything special, so the time has seemed to drag and I am quite grateful to be coming out on the other side of this hot and sticky season. M and I are naturally more comfortable in cooler weather and thus thoroughly enjoy the changing winds, browning leaves, shortening days, and the familiar chill in the air as we return to the normal British climate - I cannot tell you how happy it makes me to be writing this while snuggled under a blanket on the sofa with a hot chocolate in hand!

At times over the last couple of months it has certainly felt like the weather has been mocking me, teasing me and testing my patience. While I sat inside wanting to hide, feeling sad and missing Posy, dreaming of what our summer together would have looked like, it felt like I couldn’t hide from the persistent sun shining through our many windows. No matter how loudly I played my music I couldn’t drown out the sound of birds singing or the neighbours’ kids playing outside. I found relief solely in the brief grey hues in the aftermath of the thunderstorms. However, with the garden now home to a wonderfully colourful array of flowers I can say that I have also found solace and comfort at times when I thought it wasn’t possible; albeit alongside frustration at now having to water and weed and tend to the garden - I’m most definitely not a natural gardener!

I have found a new joy in spending time pondering, remembering, and even talking to my beautiful Posy; I have surprised myself in the delight I get when actively being her mum for bit. I have had to teach myself how to be her mama down here, while knowing the big guy is fathering her for us up there, but it has been a learning curve that I’m happy to be chasing.

M and I have realised that our lives are beating with a new pulse; in lots of ways it appears that nothing has changed while we know that, at the core, everything has changed. We have been able to enjoy going on dates again, laughing together, dancing around the kitchen while the dinner is cooking, giggling at each other when one of us farts (usually him) or says/does something silly (usually me), and it has genuinely been lovely returning to our familiar ways. Only now, we’re parents, we’re Mum and Dad, not just Michael and Becca and we have been so fortunate to be surrounded by friends and family who also recognise this huge change and don’t try to squeeze us back into the moulds we fit in seven months ago; who have supported us as we have tackled our grief and faced our darkened world head on.

Yes, we are still incredibly sad and there are days where we just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Yes, there are other days when we have to lean on each other just to survive until we can crawl back into bed, but there are now days where that big, red grief button is pressed a little less. There are days where we can truly smile and exercise our ‘happy’; there are days where we can better navigate our way through the mess and feel triumphant; there are days where our world feels a little brighter and our interactions a little lighter. Our hearts are still broken, our minds still fragile, but we are still standing - not just that, but we are standing strong. There are still triggers and moments that take me straight back to that day, the hospital, the sit down with the police, my final cuddle with our baby girl, but I find myself thinking of that day a lot less and of all the good and joy that is our sweet P, prior to that day, a lot more.

We are going to see shows again, which is something we have both always enjoyed and has been a regular go-to for date planning. We have a few lined up including The Book of Mormon and The Prince of Egypt (yes, I am aware of how religious and ironic those two sound as a pair if you haven’t seen/heard of them, but both look fantastic) and we are going to see Hamilton for the second time in a couple months; needless to say, I am very excited. I’m actually listening to the soundtrack right now and M can confirm that I have nailed the Hamilton raps. I call that a summer holiday success!

We are going to Cornwall for a week on Sunday for a well-deserved break. M has been working extremely hard and I’ve been… well... socialising, eating cake, going for coffee and I’m exhausted! So we’re making the trek down to Falmouth to enjoy all the Cornish delights, go on long coastal walks and bike rides, eat fish and chips on the beach - we probably won’t brave the cold sea - and just spend some quality time together. We will also be celebrating our four year anniversary that week and although it only feels like yesterday that we got married and moved to Loughton (a bit cliche I know, but it’s funny how time just disappears), it’s quite overwhelming to look back at everything we have been through in the last four years of marriage. All the smiles, laughter, and hilarity that comes with being married to M, along with the challenges we have proudly overcome; from becoming parents and birthing our daughter to enduring the very worst day of our lives. It’s been a bundle and I wouldn’t have chosen anyone else to do it all with, to hold my hand through it all and to step forward with, ready to face whatever comes next. I’m one of the lucky ones that got to marry their best friend and he really is a superstar.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am doing okay, we are doing okay. And not just in the disingenuous, reflex answer to a complex ‘how are you?’, sense of the word. I am really doing okay. If you’d have asked me a few months back, that probably wouldn’t have been my response and if you had asked me if I thought I would be feeling like this now, I would have told you not to be daft (I think I’ve been watching too much Downton Abbey), or something a little ruder. But it seems that despite summer being my least favourite season, it has possibly been the most healing.

We have come a long way in the last seven months and I am so proud of some of the victories that we have achieved along the way - in the last eight weeks particularly. At the top of the list being that a few weeks ago I braved my first baby shower after Posy’s. It wasn’t at all easy but I am so glad that I decided to attend - it took strength I didn’t know I had. I knew that I would regret it deeply if I didn’t go and, even with all the emotions felt prior to the event and the meltdown experienced on the way home, it was lovely to be able to share in someone else’s joy at the prospect of their growing family.

I am fully aware of all the big things coming our way in the next month or so and I know full well that even though I’m okay now, it might not stay that way. But that too is okay. Our nephew is going to be entering the world any day now and bringing with him a whole load of joy and excitement, but I’m sure we will also be hit with a fresh wave of grief for Posy as well. I am planning a return to work soon which fills me with anxiety. I’m nervous about re-entering an environment so full of Posy’s existence and about seeing people who, with only the best intentions, won’t know what to say or how to act and might be fearful of even saying Posy’s name. And of course being around kids who, as we all know, lack any kind of filter. We are also well into a new journey of ‘one year on’ firsts. This time last year I was roughly 18 weeks pregnant with Posy, dreaming of our growing family and the huge adventure we were about to embark on... and that was just the start. So, I am sure that, alongside the incredible memories, there will be sharp and sudden collisions with the pain that comes with knowing what should’ve been and what isn’t - on those days our longing for Posy will be a little louder, our laughs a little softer and our smiles a little smaller.

So, as summer ends and we shift awkwardly into an Autumn full of change and beginnings I cling desperately onto my ‘okay’ and the unexpected strength and healing that the summer has gifted me, and I sincerely hope for a readiness for everything up ahead.

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Becca x