Big Sister, Posy

The last few weeks have been pretty big in the Lyons’ household - from big news, to exciting arrivals and last week in particular saw my maternity leave come to an end. They have been eventful and they have been brutal but I’m pleased to say that I survived - cue air pump! I have definitely been feeling a lot less okay than I was at the time of writing my last post, a lot less sure of myself and my ground doesn’t feel a steady as it did, but I think (hope) that’s okay too. Most of the time it has been a confusing combination of feeling good and being blindsided by grief with an ugly side of fear, but we’re working on it!

Being back at work has been challenging but I think that it’s going to do me a lot of good being back. I feel ready to return but I also now have something good to take with me as well, which just makes walking those corridors that much easier. What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was the excessive number of students who remember that I was pregnant and that I had gone on maternity leave but don't know anything more than that. So, to be greeted lesson after lesson by a gaggle of gossiping, giggling girls (and boys!) full of excitement saying ‘Miss, you’re back’, ‘Have you had your baby?’, ‘Did you have a girl?’, ‘What’s her name?’, ‘What’s she like?’, ‘Can we see a picture’ and all the questions, was outright terrifying. Every time, it knocked me back and I was silenced, struggling to find the words to say.

Ignoring the fact that no matter what I came out with I then had to make it through the rest of the lesson, having to repeatedly announce the sad truth is painful and tiresome and feels like a stab to the heart every time. I walked into a reminder of what should have been and the feelings of pure excitement that ensue following the birth of a baby but, instead of joining in, I found myself echoing the words that rip me apart, ‘sadly my baby died’, over and over again. I’m now putting my trust in the impressive power of Chinese whispers to get the word around so that I no longer have to find myself in that position, but I’m hoping that it will start to get easier. I know I’ve only been back a week but I am already counting down until half term!

As many of you may have seen, last week we shared the news that we are going to be having our second baby; our rainbow baby. We found out about this new little life around the time that we celebrated Posy’s six months. It was an emotional weekend all round but it was a weekend that welcomed a new season and a weekend that promoted Posy to Big Sister. M may have got a candid, almost impossible to understand through the tears, 'we're having another baby' this time round rather than the cute scrabble tile message that he got with Posy - apologies if you haven't heard that story - but the moment was just as significant and sentimental.

Two Tuesdays ago we drove back to the hospital where Posy was born for a twelve week scan. We hadn’t been back since we brought her home so it was rather emotional, but I cannot express how glad I am that our best and worst experiences with her happened at two different hospitals. As difficult as it was, it was lovely driving the route, as we had so many times before, and returning to a place that holds so many dear memories; even if a lot has changed in the last six months.

As soon as the image came onto the screen we could see that baby was wriggling and rolling about, refusing to keep still for a picture, full of life and, to our amusement, pulling lots of Posy poses. It was made immediately and undeniably clear that they are siblings. Thankfully they had a never-ending roll of tissues in the room, because to say that I was a bit tearful is an understatement. I must have given the waiting room a fright when I finally emerged from the room sniffling and puffy-eyed with mascara lines down to my ears - gravity did me no favours.

The relief when seeing Posy’s little brother or sister on the screen for the first time was overwhelming - the ten week wait for the scan seemed to go on forever. I guess I had been impatiently waiting for the confirmation of new life but in that time couldn’t help but prepare for any of the worst case scenarios that my mind could conjure up. Throughout the summer, I had been trying with all my might to allow myself to be excited, pushing myself to think past the end of the year - which was an impossible task beforehand - and I had been clinging to the pink lines on the pregnancy tests, hopeful that they were enough proof that baby was okay. But I was doing all this so completely full of fear. So, as soon as the image popped up, it was as if I could finally breathe again - I hadn’t even realised I’d been holding it for all that time. I could see that our baby was healthy, moving and developing normally and it was amazing. I am fully aware that this pregnancy isn’t going to be as easy as my first one, and I’m sure I will fluctuate between feeling steady and strong and feeling weak and fearful but now, until our next scan, I have that knowledge to hold onto; albeit pleading with baby that I might feel them move before then!

The news of cub number two, of course, carries a whole array of emotions. We are unbelievably happy and excited but, as I’m sure you can imagine, we’re also extremely anxious and frightened of everything that is coming our way. Everything feels jumbled at the moment and a bit like a waiting game. I’m almost too scared to do anything or plan for anything just in case. It’s already proving to be a challenge not to expect the worst when we are still ploughing through the rubble left behind when the worst has already happened; it’s hard to live in hopeful expectancy when the blissful bubble has burst in your face. But we’re trying. It’s a horrible mindset to be in when, this time last year, we were awaiting Posy’s arrival with sheer joy and delight. But now, our innocence has been stripped away and our naivety obliterated, and we are slowly navigating our way through it. We are trying as hard as we can to be okay with the mix of emotions while working hard to prevent the inevitable irrational thinking.

What we do know, is that this baby is wanted and prayed for and hoped for and comes, not as a replacement but an addition to our family of three. We were never going to stop at one child and although in another world, with an eight month old crawling about, the age gap may have been slightly bigger, this baby has made itself known at the perfect time. We had to remind ourselves that we decided to become parents two years ago, and despite the fact that we still carry Posy with us every day and know that we are still her parents, planning her funeral, laying flowers at her graveside every couple of weeks and never seeing or cuddling her was not the parenthood we had chosen. Our hearts are heavy and we are devastated that they will never get to meet each other, but this rainbow baby will always know their sister and we have no doubt that they will also have a hand in healing our broken hearts. Our two little ones have taught us and changed us so much already and that will only continue. They have taught us how to be brave and shown us strength that we never knew we had. They’ve added power to our unity and taught us how to love each other first and foremost, and we are such proud parents that we are able to share them with you.

Every time I think about how far we’ve come in the last year, I remember sitting in the hospital just as our world had come crashing down and promising to M that, if we were going to make it through this, we were going to have to do it together and making him vow to not let our marriage fall apart. I am proud of our relationship and everything that we have built together. We are young and we have fun and are definitely stronger together. I have been blessed with an absolute trooper, who is now surviving my second pregnancy with me and all the random and intense cravings that it brings; he’s the guy who goes to three different shops to meet the needs of this mama (#husbandgoals)! It has definitely felt like we’ve been floundering at times over the last few weeks, but our perseverance comes from the support we give each other and well… he’s the best!

There is light at the end of this dark and disorientating tunnel now but it doesn’t fix anything and it certainly doesn’t make everything better. It’s not a case of only looking forward and not looking back, or moving onward and upward towards the good and forgetting the bad; both of our babies have their share of goodness and sadness and I refuse to leave Posy in the shadows of grief. I’m no longer dreading the end of 2019 and entering a new year because I can finally see some hope in the distance. It breaks my heart to imagine celebrating Posy’s first birthday without her; the prospect of having two babies but only one we get to hold is confusing; the reality of having to wait until my third Mothers Day to actually have a cuddle with one of my children is utterly ridiculous and a thought that reduces me to tears (every damn time!). BUT, I am beginning to look forward to the spring, a brighter future and meeting our second little Lyons’ cub next year. I am looking forward to taking our rainbow baby for walks and picnics in the woodland where Posy lives. I am excited to remake and redesign our home. And I can't wait to be a second-time mum, with all the sleeplessness, pooey nappies and learning curves; I just hope the midwife is right in her prediction that the second birth is easier than the first!

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Becca

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